There’s an oldsayin’ for that.

“He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.”

Full of himself, like a rooster who takes credit for the dawn.

“She's gettin' too big for her britches.”

Acting more important than she really is.

“He's all hat and no cattle.”

All show, no substance. Talks the part, can't back it up.

“That man would strut sittin' down.”

So cocky he can show off without even moving.

“She thinks she hung the moon and stars.”

Believes she's the greatest thing that ever happened.

“He's so stuck up he'd drown in a rainstorm.”

Nose so high in the air the rain would pour right in.

“All vine and no taters.”

Looks impressive above ground, nothing underneath.

“He thinks he's the only rooster in the henhouse.”

Acts like the one man who matters around here.

“Biggest toad in the puddle.”

The self-appointed big shot of a very small pond.

“Time to come down off that high horse.”

Quit acting superior — you're no better than the rest of us.

“He's dumber than a sack of hammers.”

Dense. All weight, no sharpness.

“The porch light's on, but ain't nobody home.”

Looks alert. Isn't.

“If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.”

Not enough sense in there to do the smallest job.

“He couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.”

Can't manage even the simplest task.

“Sharp as a bowling ball.”

Not sharp at all.

“The cheese done slid off his cracker.”

He's lost whatever sense he had.

“He don't know come here from sic 'em.”

Can't tell the most basic things apart. Even a dog knows those two.

“His elevator don't go all the way to the top.”

Something's missing upstairs.

“One fry short of a Happy Meal.”

Almost all there. Almost.

“About a half bubble off plumb.”

Not quite level-headed, like a crooked carpenter's level.

“He wouldn't hit a lick at a snake.”

So lazy he wouldn't lift a hand even to defend himself.

“She wouldn't work in a pie factory tastin' pies.”

Wouldn't take the easiest, sweetest job on Earth.

“He was born tired and raised lazy.”

Never had a hardworking day in his life, by design.

“Useful as a screen door on a submarine.”

Contributes nothing. Might actually make things worse.

“Useless as teats on a boar hog.”

Serves no purpose whatsoever.

“He's ridin' the gravy train with biscuit wheels.”

Coasting on easy living he didn't earn.

“Lazy as a hound dog in July.”

Flat on the porch, moving for nothing and nobody.

“He wouldn't say sooie if the hogs were eatin' him.”

Won't make the smallest effort, even to save himself.

“Poor as a church mouse.”

Dirt poor — even the crumbs are spoken for.

“Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.”

Can't afford nice things, won't stoop to cheap ones.

“We didn't have a pot to pee in nor a window to throw it out of.”

As broke as a family can get.

“So broke I can't even pay attention.”

Got nothing — not even the free stuff.

“He don't have two nickels to rub together.”

Completely out of money.

“Poor as Job's turkey.”

Poorer than the poorest man in the Bible — even his bird was skinny.

“Livin' on beans and taters.”

Getting by on the cheapest food there is.

“He'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.”

Lies even when the truth is easier.

“That dog won't hunt.”

That excuse or story doesn't hold up.

“Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'.”

Don't insult my intelligence with an obvious lie.

“Crooked as a dog's hind leg.”

Dishonest through and through.

“Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.”

Bent every which way — can't trust a thing about him.

“He's slicker than a pocketful of pudding.”

Smooth-talking and impossible to pin down.

“He's just blowin' smoke.”

Talking big with nothing behind it.

“Lies like a rug.”

Lies flat-out, constantly, without blinking.

“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

Comprehensively unfortunate-looking.

“So ugly he'd make a freight train take a dirt road.”

Even machinery swerves to avoid that face.

“Her mama had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.”

Took bribery just to get the dog's attention.

“Ugly as homemade sin.”

Not just ugly — ugly with extra effort put in.

“A face only a mother could love.”

It takes unconditional love to look at him fondly.

“He looks like ten miles of bad road.”

Rough. Worn out. Hard to look at.

“So ugly he has to sneak up on a glass of water.”

Even his reflection would run off if it saw him coming.

“Looks like he was rode hard and put up wet.”

Worn completely out, like a horse nobody bothered to cool down.

“It's rainin' like a cow peein' on a flat rock.”

Torrential, loud, and going everywhere.

“That's a real frog-strangler.”

Rain so heavy even the frogs are in trouble.

“The devil's beatin' his wife.”

It's raining while the sun shines.

“Hotter than blue blazes.”

As hot as the hottest part of the flame.

“Hotter than a two-dollar pistol.”

Scorching — like a cheap gun that's been fired all day.

“It's comin' up a cloud.”

A storm's on the way. Get the laundry in.

“Dry as a popcorn fart.”

Not a drop of moisture anywhere.

“Cold as a cast-iron commode.”

The kind of cold you feel somewhere personal.

“It's a gully-washer out there.”

Rain hard enough to carve ditches.

“Crazy as a betsy bug.”

Completely, cheerfully unhinged.

“Crazy as an outhouse rat.”

The worst kind of crazy — the kind that lives where it shouldn't.

“She's one brick shy of a load.”

Almost all there, but that one brick matters.

“Nutty as a fruitcake.”

Packed full of nuts, just like the Christmas dessert.

“He ain't quite right, bless his heart.”

Southern for 'that man is unwell,' said with love and judgment.

“Crazier than a sprayed roach.”

Running in circles, bouncing off walls, no plan at all.

“He's got a screw loose somewhere.”

Something in the machinery isn't tightened down.

“He's so tight he squeaks when he walks.”

Won't spend a dime, even on oil for his own hinges.

“He'd squeeze a nickel till the buffalo hollers.”

Holds onto every coin for dear life.

“Tighter than bark on a tree.”

You couldn't pry money out of him with a crowbar.

“He's still got the first dollar he ever made.”

Never spent a cent he didn't have to.

“So cheap he'd skin a flea for its hide and tallow.”

Will squeeze profit out of anything, no matter how small.

“He wouldn't give a nickel to see Jesus ridin' a bicycle.”

Wouldn't pay for a miracle. Wouldn't pay for anything.

“Slower than molasses in January.”

Barely moving at all.

“Slow as Christmas.”

Takes forever to arrive, like December to a kid.

“He moves like pond water.”

Technically in motion. Technically.

“Slow as smoke off a manure pile.”

Drifting along with no urgency and no dignity.

“He's got two speeds: slow and stop.”

And he mostly uses the second one.

“Slower than cream risin' on last year's buttermilk.”

Slower than a process that already finished a year ago.

“He took off like a scalded dog.”

Left at top speed, yelping.

“Quicker than greased lightning.”

The fastest thing there is, then lubricated.

“Gone like a turpentined cat.”

Vanished instantly and dramatically.

“He lit out like his tail was on fire.”

Departed with maximum urgency.

“Quick as a hiccup.”

Over before you knew it started.

“Faster than green grass through a goose.”

Through and gone almost immediately.

“Madder than a wet hen.”

Furious and flapping about it.

“Madder than a mule chewin' on bumblebees.”

Angry, in pain, and not about to stop.

“She could chew up nails and spit out a barbed-wire fence.”

Angry enough to do industrial metalwork with her teeth.

“He's fit to be tied.”

So worked up he needs restraining.

“He's got a burr under his saddle.”

Something small is making him ornery about everything.

“She pitched a hissy fit with a tail on it.”

A tantrum, deluxe edition.

“Stompin' around like a bantam rooster.”

Small, loud, and spoiling for a fight.

“Madder than a puffed toad.”

Swollen up with rage and twice as ugly about it.

“Drunker than Cooter Brown.”

Legendarily drunk. Cooter set the standard; nobody's beaten it.

“Three sheets to the wind.”

Sails flapping, no steering, headed wherever.

“Drunk as a skunk.”

Thoroughly pickled.

“Tighter than a boiled owl.”

Very drunk, and looking about as dignified.

“He couldn't hit the floor with his hat.”

Too drunk to manage a task gravity does for free.

“Lit up like a Christmas tree.”

Glowing, wobbling, and decorated with bad decisions.

“Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”

Danger on every side, and it's all pointed at you.

“Sweatin' like a sinner in church.”

Deeply uncomfortable and sure everyone can tell.

“Shakin' like a leaf on a tall tree.”

Visibly trembling.

“Wound tighter than an eight-day clock.”

Cranked to maximum tension and ticking.

“Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet.”

Popping and hopping at the slightest thing.

“Shakin' like a dog passin' peach pits.”

Trembling through an ordeal best not described further.

“He could fall in an outhouse and come out smellin' like a rose.”

So lucky even disasters work out in his favor.

“If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.”

The only luck around here is the bad kind.

“Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then.”

Anyone can get lucky once. Don't confuse it for skill.

“Luckier than a dog with two tails.”

Twice as much to wag about as anybody else.

“Born under a bad sign.”

Some folks' luck went wrong from day one.

“Older than dirt.”

Been here since before the ground was.

“He's no spring chicken.”

His young and tender days are well behind him.

“Older than Methuselah's goat.”

Outlived the oldest man in the Bible's own livestock.

“Old as the hills and twice as dusty.”

Ancient, and showing it.

“There's snow on the roof, but fire in the furnace.”

Gray-haired, sure, but far from done.

“Too old to cut the mustard.”

Past the age of keeping up.

“Stubborn as a mule.”

Will not move, will not budge, will not be reasoned with.

“He'd argue with a fence post.”

Will fight anything, including objects.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.”

You can hand someone the answer; you can't make them take it.

“Hard-headed as a coconut.”

Thick skull, nothing gets through.

“You can't tell him nothin'.”

Immune to advice, warnings, and facts.

“Independent as a hog on ice.”

Insists on doing it his own way, even while sliding into disaster.

“She'd argue with the devil and win on points.”

Contrary enough to out-lawyer Hell itself.

“He could talk the legs off a chair.”

Will not stop talking. Furniture has given up.

“She'd talk the ears off a mule.”

Even the most patient listener alive taps out.

“He was vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”

Been playing nonstop ever since. No off switch.

“She can hear a mouse pee on cotton.”

Misses nothing. Especially nothing that's none of her business.

“A dog that'll bring a bone will carry one.”

Whoever gossips to you gossips about you.

“Her tongue's loose at both ends.”

Talks constantly and it flaps in every direction.

“Talkin' up a blue streak.”

Words coming fast as lightning and about as easy to stop.

“That's a hard row to hoe.”

A tough job that only gets done one painful foot at a time.

“It's root hog or die.”

Fend for yourself, because nobody's coming to feed you.

“You can't get blood from a turnip.”

Can't take from someone what they simply don't have.

“Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.”

Life alternates between hitting and being hit.

“The creek's up and the well's dry.”

Everything's going wrong in both directions at once.

“Make do or do without.”

Fix it, stretch it, or learn to live with the hole.

“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.”

Wanting a thing badly has never once made it show up.

“Every dog has its day.”

Everybody gets their turn eventually. Even you.

“Between a rock and a hard place.”

Both options are bad and there is no third one.

“I'm so hungry I could eat the north end of a southbound polecat.”

Hungry enough to eat the worst part of the worst animal.

“My belly thinks my throat's been cut.”

Stomach's convinced food has stopped coming forever.

“Full as a tick.”

Ate so much you're about to pop.

“So good it'll make your tongue slap your brains out.”

Food so delicious your own mouth turns violent.

“That's larrupin' good.”

Old country for 'outstandingly delicious.'

“Hungry as a bear in springtime.”

Just woke up and ready to eat everything in sight.

“Happier than a pig in slop.”

Blissfully content in their favorite mess.

“Grinnin' like a possum eatin' a sweet tater.”

Wearing the biggest, most satisfied smile there is.

“We're walkin' in high cotton now.”

Times are good and the picking is easy.

“Fine as frog hair split four ways.”

So fine it's finer than a thing that doesn't exist.

“Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”

Utterly content and blissfully unaware.

“Like a june bug on a string.”

Buzzing around delighted, no idea who's holding the thread.

“That rascal'd steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes.”

He'd rob even the helpless.

“He's slicker than a hog on ice.”

Slippery and hard to pin down.

“My wallet's flatter than a possum on a county road.”

There's nothin' left in there but the shape of what used to be.

“He lit a shuck outta there.”

Left in a tearing hurry.

“Slow as a Sunday sermon in August.”

When somethin' drags on longer than anybody wants.

“He's so slow he could get beat by a three-legged mule.”

Describes someone who loses every race, literal or otherwise.

“I could eat the south end of a northbound mule.”

So hungry you'd eat something downright unappetizing.

“Full as a tick on a fat hog.”

Stuffed completely after a big meal.

“He's plumb crazy as a peach-orchard boar.”

Someone whose behavior makes no sense at all, wild and unpredictable.

“He ain't got both oars in the water.”

Someone not thinking straight or missing common sense.

“Chewin' nails and spittin' tacks.”

Bitterly seething.

“My get up and go done got up and went.”

Admittin' the energy of youth has long since left town.

“Empty wagons make the most noise goin' down the road.”

Folks with nothin' much to say usually say it the loudest.

“He'd tell the well how deep it was if you let him.”

A windbag who explains what everybody already knows.

“Colder than a well-digger's ass in January.”

Bitterly cold.

“It's hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch.”

Unbearably hot.

“That meal'll stick to your ribs.”

A hearty dish that'll keep you full a long while.

“She sets a table like the Lord's comin' to dinner.”

A compliment for someone who cooks a generous, fine spread.

“He'd sooner starve than sweat.”

Describes a person too lazy to work even to feed himself.

“That man's shadow does more work than he does.”

A sharp jab at someone who never lifts a finger.

“Took off like a mule with a burr under the tail.”

Departed suddenly and at high speed.

“Lit out for the tall timber.”

Ran away in a hurry.

“Every hen in the yard knows the news before the rooster crows.”

Gossip spreads among folks faster than official word ever could.

“Keep the ram outta his own pasture.”

They had to check they weren't brother and sister after fallin' in love.

“When the rooster gets too loud, the farmer starts eyin' the axe.”

The opposition leader spoke up too much and now the ruling party's comin' for him with a treason charge.

“The dog that barks loudest at the gate is the one they chain first.”

He made himself the loudest critic, and now he's the first one they slap charges on.

“You cain't bury a skunk and expect the garden to smell sweet.”

WhatsApp chats launderin' cash for crime and extremism still leave a stink.

“A dirty bucket don't hold clean water long.”

Usin' chats to wash cash for crime and extremism don't stay lookin' honest.